Assholes and Bitches

 

Assholes and Bitches

My father was an asshole, as was his father before him, so it’s no surprise I turned out to be an asshole, too. It’s genetic.

It started in high school.  There was so much peer pressure to be an asshole.  All the cool kids were assholes, and the rest of wanted to be just like them.  In college, the fraternities were full of assholes, so I had to be an asshole to join.    

When I joined the working world, my boss was an asshole.  I wanted to be the boss one day, so I became an asshole just like him. 

My wife knew I was an asshole when she married me, but she didn’t care because she was a total bitch.  Her mother was also a bitch, and so was her grandmother.  It wasn’t my wife’s fault she was a bitch.  It’s a disease.

Assholes and bitches often marry each other because no one else will have them.  My wife and I had tried relationships with non-assholes and non-bitches but couldn’t stand them because they were too nice.  We craved conflict.     

The police were called to our house for a domestic dispute.  The police officers were assholes like me, so they knew I was probably innocent and my wife must be a bitch, but they were under orders from that bitch of a mayor to arrest assholes and release bitches.  The judge was a bitch too.  I got six months.

All the guys in jail were assholes, so there was plenty of violence.  One asshole beat me up and another asshole tried to stab me.  The only guy I liked was my cellmate, because he wasn’t an asshole.  He was a bitch.