My DEA Career

 

My DEA Career

When I joined the DEA, I imagined I’d be inserted into a drug cartel as an undercover mole, gain the drug lord’s confidence, move up the ladder to the top, then bust the entire operation and save thousands of Americans from addiction.  The DEA had other plans.  They sent me to a border crossing and told me to take pictures of any suspicious looking characters.  I took a lot of pictures of shady types, but they all turned out to be other undercover DEA agents.    

My next assignment was wiretapping every phone conversation near the border.  Unfortunately, the only calls I intercepted were carry-out orders from the local DEA office. 

Finally, the DEA gave me a good assignment.  They gave me a moving van and sent me across the border to impersonate a coyote.  I couldn’t find any migrants who wanted to make the crossing voluntarily, so I rounded up innocent peasants and paid them to get in my truck for a ride.  I met my quota and got a promotion.   

I was so successful at kidnapping that they moved me to narcotics smuggling.  I travelled to central American villages, bought drugs with taxpayer money, paid locals to shove bags of it up their butts, drove them across the border into the US, and handed them over to the authorities.    

The DEA was so impressed with the large quantities of drugs and migrants I smuggled that they held a press conference to brag about their accomplishment.  They displayed pictures of all the drugs I’d confiscated.  Then the DEA announced the arrest of most dangerous narco-trafficker of all.   Me.