My DEA
Career
When I joined the DEA, I imagined I’d be inserted into a drug
cartel as an undercover mole, gain the drug lord’s confidence, move up the
ladder to the top, then bust the entire operation and save thousands of
Americans from addiction. The DEA had
other plans. They sent me to a border
crossing and told me to take pictures of any suspicious looking characters. I took a lot of pictures of shady types, but
they all turned out to be other undercover DEA agents.
My next assignment was wiretapping every phone conversation
near the border. Unfortunately, the only
calls I intercepted were carry-out orders from the local DEA office.
Finally, the DEA gave me a good assignment. They gave me a moving van and sent me
across the border to impersonate a coyote.
I couldn’t find any migrants who wanted to make the crossing voluntarily,
so I rounded up innocent peasants and paid them to get in my truck for a
ride. I met my quota and got a
promotion.
I was so successful at kidnapping that they moved me to narcotics
smuggling. I travelled to central
American villages, bought drugs with taxpayer money, paid locals to shove bags
of it up their butts, drove them across the border into the US, and handed them
over to the authorities.
The DEA was so impressed with the large quantities of drugs and
migrants I smuggled that they held a press conference to brag about their
accomplishment. They displayed pictures
of all the drugs I’d confiscated. Then the
DEA announced the arrest of most dangerous narco-trafficker of all. Me.
