Best Buy

 

Best Buy 

I walked into a Best Buy the size of Manhattan and asked the Maître De where I might find a new TV.  He pointed to the back of the store, way off in the distance.

            He said, “TVs are in the south quadrant.  Would you like to take our shuttle bus?”

I said, “I’ll walk.  It can’t be that far.”

 I got my 10,000 steps in before arriving at the wall of 100 screens.  All TVs were showing the same ultra-high-definition close-up of every pore on Jack Nickolson’s gigantic, hideous face.  That’s as good as it gets. 

I found a salesperson, who identified as an associate, and said, “I’d like to buy a TV.”

She rolled her eyes, looked up from her Instagram and said, “Whatever.”

She showed me a 45-inch Sony, a 55-inch Samsung, a 75-inch Vizio, an 85-inchToshiba, a 100-inch Musk, and a 200-inch Roku. 

I said “I’ll take the biggest TV you’ve got. The 200-incher.”

She said, “Give me your ID so I can run a background check and open an account.”

I said, “I don’t want an account, I just want a TV.”

She said, “And you’ll need a wall mount, a sound bar, and cables.”

I said, “A new TV doesn’t come with cables?”

She said, “And you’ll have to make an appointment with our Geeks to install it.”

I said, “Can’t I install it myself?”  She said, “That would void the warranty.”

I said, “I don’t want a warranty.”  She said, “You don’t have a choice.”

I said, “What does the warranty cover?”  She said, “Nothing.”

I said, “How soon can the Geeks install it?”  She said, “Whenever they feel like it.”

I said, “I need it before the Superbowl.”  She said, “What’s a Superbowl?"

            My new TV arrived ten minutes before kickoff, but it was too big to fit through the door.  I hadn’t done the math: 200 inches is almost 17 feet.  So the Geeks put my TV outside on the patio and I watched it through the bay window.  Rain started at halftime, causing all the plasma to pour out of the TV and flood the patio, so I went back to Best Buy to watch the game on their wall of 100 screens.  Dozens of other football fans, who also had leaky 200-inchers in their backyards, watched the game with me.      

            The day after the Superbowl I returned to Best Buy and asked if I could apply for a job as an associate.  I thought if I worked there, I could watch their TVs and cancel my Netflix, Prime, Apple, HBO, Paramount, Hulu, Tubi, ESPN, Paramount and Disney, which were costing half my salary.  She said, “Job applicants must get in line,” and pointed to a long line of guys with plasma stains on their shoes.