Alphabetical Order

 

Alphabetical Order

I took the wrong pill this morning.  I display all my medicines in alphabetical order, starting with Aspirin and ending with Zinc.  So naturally, Viagra is right next to Vitamins.  This morning I thought I took my vitamin, but instead I took Viagra.

Viagra lasts hours, so before I got in the car I grabbed an ice pack for my lap, thinking it might control the swelling.  It did not.  In fact, when the ice was lodged firmly in my crotch, it not only didn’t control the swelling, it produced condensation that wet my pants.  So I turned on the car’s heat and aimed the dash vents at my lap, hoping the heat would help dry things off.  Big mistake.  The effect of heat on unwanted erections has not been thoroughly researched, but I found it backfires and makes things worse.  Erections thrive on attention, any kind of attention.    

They say texting while driving is dangerous, but let me tell you, driving while excessively aroused can be just as dangerous.  If the erection in question pokes its head up too far, it can hit the steering wheel and affect turns or lane changes.  So when I swerved to avoid a squirrel with a nut, my erection impeded the wheel rotation and I went into a skid, crossed the shoulder, hopped the guardrail, careened down a ravine, flipped over, and landed upside down in a creek.  There I was, hanging upside down by my shoulder harness, an airbag in my face, and that damn erection looking straight down at me, mocking me.  I hoped the cold creek water rushing into the car would deflate him.  I hope he’d be gone before the EMTs arrived.  No such luck. 

To my dismay, the first EMT to arrive on the scene was female.  She crawled down the embankment, stuck her head in my driver side window and said “Sir, I’m EMT Laura.  Are you alright?”  I said “I think so.  Can you give me a moment to compose myself?”  I hoped she’d take the hint and go away while I tried to conceal my pup tent. But she didn’t leave.  Instead, she reached in to undo my seat belt and bumped the boner with her elbow.  She said, “Sorry sir.”  I said, “I’m so embarrassed.”  She said “No problem.  I’ve seen it all.  Missing limbs, decapitated heads.  A little boner is no big deal.”  I said “Little?”

She asked “Sir, how did this happen?”  I said, “I keep my pills in alphabetical order, so Viagra is next to Vitamins.”  She said “That’s not what I meant.  I meant how did the accident happen?”  I said “Oh, my penis did it.  It took control of the steering wheel and took a sharp right.”

She reached in to grab my emergency brake lever but grabbed my love handle by mistake. It liked being manhandled and responded with a nod.   I said “Sorry.  I’m so embarrassed.” She put on a pair of those blue rubber gloves they use for collecting evidence and said “Sir, your body won’t fit through the window with that rod in the way, so I’m going to have to use the Jaws of Life.”  I said “Be gentle.” 

The jaws ripped the roof off my car with ease.  She dragged me out of the wreckage, up and out of the ravine to the road, where more EMTs had just arrived to help.  When they laid me on the stretcher they got a good look at my prominence, pointed at it and laughed.  One of them said “Laura, he likes you!”  Another said “Be careful!  It might bite!”  Laura ignored their jokes, strapped me to the stretcher and rolled me into the ambulance.  Then she hopped in beside me to take my vitals on the way to the emergency room, while I lay on my side facing away from her to hide the hardness. 

At the hospital they rolled me into the emergency waiting room and checked me in.  The young gals at reception got a good laugh when Laura explained my situation.  Then they put me at the end of the line behind the other patients with more serious problems like coughs and sniffles.    Laura stayed with me.  I asked “Why are you still here?  Don’t you have more accident victims to save?”  She said “No.  My shift just ended.  I’ll stay with you until your wife arrives.”  I said “I’m single.  I live alone.”  She said, “Then why did you take the Viagra?”  I said “Alphabetical order.  Viagra was next to my vitamins.”  She said “Oh.  I forgot.  You told me at the accident scene this was all an alphabetical order thing.” 

Finally, after six hours of rigidity, they decided it might be serious and put me in a room. A few nurses came in to size me up.  Then the attending physician arrived with a group of interns on their first rotation.  My prominence was a teaching tool. 

I tried to shrink my joystick by thinking about my ex-wife, who could discourage a dork like nobody’s business.  Then I tried imagining men in the gym shower room, which is usually a real turnoff for me, but this time it backfired.  My personal growth continued.

Finally, my EMT Laura came in and sat on the bed beside me to console me.  She asked, “Is it going down yet?”  I said “No, it’s up to my navel.”  She put her hand on my thigh and slid it toward the problem.  It bobbed and throbbed in response.   I asked “Why are you jerking me around?  Isn’t this unprofessional?”  She said “Yes, but I can’t help it.  This morning I accidentally took Ecstasy instead of Estrogen.  I keep them right next to each other, in alphabetical order.”

She talked to the nurses and they all agreed to hold me overnight.